More About Me

Yet another "Exercise in Narcissism" or "Profiles in Navel Gazing" or some such nonsense. To the extent my cast of characters is confusing, I have added a handy "Cast of Characters" on the right hand side bar, just below the archives. Just scroll down a bit. As characters appear or reappear, I'll add them. If I use an acronym or nickname you don't recognize, just make a comment, and I'll try and add that acronym or nickname to the cast. I'm not trying to confuse, I'm just trying not to inadvertently identify anyone who might be mortified to be mentioned in this blog.

On to the mortifying stuff. Or the mortification of the flesh, anyway. I'm taking Innana's advice. I'm trying to wear bright colors. I put on red lipstick. I dress up. I call up friends. I go out. I date.

However, and I am about to reveal something very personal here, I have not had sex since early July, except some very unsatisfying (for me) sex with PdeFF in early August. Of course, it takes a heck of a man to be better than none, and my current mateless state is infinitely preferable to being back with PdeFF being told I'm enjoying myself but just don't know it. Or being told that a punch wasn't a punch and didn't hurt me.

But it's funny ironic and weird. Married and potentially adulterous me was a much hotter ticket that regular old single me. Actually, that's not right. As a married woman hoping to just fill in the gaps of what was missing in my marriage, I wasn't looking for the complete package. And I certainly didn't feel too vulnerable. I new I held most of the cards. So I could simply act on physical impulse once I met Handyman and decided he filled the bill. Of course, when his wife got sick and my marriage went truly south, we decided that we shouldn't continue on our path (making me actually like him better).

Now, however, I know I really should take time off. And I'm not rushing into bed. At one point I wanted to, but the guy in question didn't want me (shocking, I know). Or didn't want me enough. Now, I go out and generally don't feel the inclination to pursue things beyond a dinner or two. One guy, Mr. Swinger, told me after going out just a few times, that in his prior marriage, he and his wife had been swingers. Now, I'm not a prude, but that's a bundle of information early on. Further, can you say "disease vector"? That ended it for me. Not discreet. Not safe for me. A bit overreaching.

Mr. Cat did the same. On our third dinner out, he told me about his search for the perfect bed, trying out the different beds of the women he dated. Huh? Not my bed, thank you.

But maybe I'm just wasting everybody's time. I'm scared enough of my own vulnerability that I'm not anxious to get physical, and possibly I look for reasons to flee. The one guy I actually pursued a bit was not really in a position to respond, and maybe that's why I pursued him (except I really did like him and find him smart and attractive).

So today I had a lovely lunch with the Professor, wandering around Tacky Park, and generally enjoying the day. The Professor quoted statements I had made to him back in 1987 (regarding chocolate and politics, two important subjects, we will all agree). I had always thought that the Professor liked me, but wasn't attracted to me. Even today, I didn't feel that heat, that desire that any man who wants you needs to be able to communicate somehow. Now the professor is a native-born U.S. citizen, but his family is from a more restrained culture than that of the mainstream U.S. Nonetheless, desire isn't that hard to sense. I know the Professor really likes me and thinks highly of me, but it's pretty lukewarm.

The same will be true when I get together with Mr. Movie later this week.

So I get the masculine company without the bothersome sex issues. But there's the rub. I want the sex and I miss it. Five months is a long time to do without. Of course, I've gotten some nice kissing and that sort of thing, but really, not quite the same thing. Not at all. What to do?

Yes, if I want sex, I just have to indicate as much in one forum or another (hey, if you can't find it on Craig's List, you probably don't need it), but the problem is, for it to be good for me (and for most women, I assume), any guy won't do. I need someone who will care about me enough to take a lot more time than it will take him. So then I'm back in the relationship game. I really think that bites. Not as badly as our President bites (and not in a good way, either), but still.

So, frustrated, but gun-shy, and living in a police state. At least I cooked some nice food for the Foilkid and the GaahGirl. And the Babysitter is back in town. Yay! Advice? Volunteers? Step right up.