Right now, my answer is: not a whole hell of a lot. Part of that is a function of my familial circumstance. As the mother of a nine-year old and a four-year old, I can have all the physical affection I want. I thought DG had given up the beloved (by me) running hug, but it's back. This morning, I got a Pumba (from Lion King) hug, a shark hug, a frog hug, and a somersault hug. On Tuesday night, both girls moved into my bedroom and I awoke feeling mildly squashed and kicked, but it was a good squashed and kicked. TG had me in quite the clinch, too. Since she's just a few belts away from a black belt in karate, I felt a bit afraid, too, as well as essential.
When I was younger, I sought out others' approval. Now? Meh. Clearly, when the girls hit their teen years, I'll have to rethink this whole thing. It's hard for me to get into the frame of mind of people who wonder why someone doesn't like them or doesn't call. My thoughts are: So what. Go do something else with someone else. But then, my problem is not filling up free time. It's finding free time and clean socks and stockings without runs whenever I need to wear a skirt on short notice.
But again and again it hits me how much people are motivated by wanting to be liked by others. To be included in the A-list, with the in-crowd, the cool kids. I always want to grab these people, invariably youngsters (well, under 35, unless they are truly pathetic) and say: No! If someone won't like you because you drink Schlitz rather than some unique microbrew or Almaden rather than some saucy Shiraz or eat sweet and sour pork* rather than sushi or wear Maybelline rather than Marcella Borghese (or just don't wear over-priced and completely unnecessary makeup at all), you're better off.
I'm hopeful that this will be a benefit of tough economic times -- that people will stop defining themselves by what they buy and what they own (a recipe for dissatisfaction however you slice it), stop thinking of spending money as recreation, and actually seek out substance. But the yearning these longings, to own the right clothes or other things, to eat the right food, is really as much about exclusion of others as it is to make sure you belong. Because how can you belong if you can't point to that non-sushi-eating sweet-and-sour-pork eating doofus and say "He's NQOKD**" and feel better about oneself.
People seem to spend an inordinate amount of time differentiating themselves and their in groups or the in groups to which they aspire. Wouldn't it just be easier to know oneself? Not everyone is going to fit in 100% and most people will only fit in partially into one's interests and beliefs. But isn't that how one stretches and grows?
Of course, fighting against such dynamics and human tendencies is as futile as ordering the tide not to come in. But I wonder why I'm such a non-joiner and why most of us seek out others to define us.
*Innana once had an acquaintance tell her that the acquaintance stopped dating a guy because he ordered sweet and sour pork and a Chinese restaurant. Why? Because sweet and sour pork is so blue collar. Of course, a lot of upscale New England WASPs from beyond Pluto have eaten sweet and sour pork, but hey. But the analysis stands: the man rejected for eating the wrong Chinese meal got a get out of misery free card, he just didn't know it.
**Not Quite Our Kind Dear.
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I actually was one of those rare teens who didn't understand the need to want others to like her or to be like others. I found plenty of friends who liked my quirkiness, and out of those who openly teased me my freshman year (usually members of the so-called popular clique, and believe me I was teased often--that's where I learned that the tongue was much more effective of a defense than a fist any day), over half of them openly respected me for holding my ground and not letting them get to me. Lesson learned loud and clear. I've tried to pass that on to my kids, but you really don't know how much it's been absorbed until the teen years. So far, though, Ari seems to have really gotten it. She does as her mother does--blinding tongue-lashings that leave the other dazed when folks try to pressure or tease her or her other geek friends. It's awesome to behold. So proud *sniff*!
Actually you got it backwards - with the kids these days, they won't like you UNLESS you drink Schlitz and/or Wild Irish Rose, and wear clothes from a thrift store.
I came to that conclusion thankfully early. If I can't be myself whats the point?
Mind you, I do succumb occasionally. I can't decide if my unashamed vanity is because I like looking good, or cos I care what others think.
(My new found commitment to going to the gym is undoubtedly the latter but as its one particular person I can live with that)
The two motto's I've always tried to live by are:
To thine own self be true &
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
Needless to say this is not a route taken by those who crave human contact!
[laughs]
Kira: I think despite heading your own way, you are an extrovert with a fairly high level of social skills and emotional intelligence. I think TG is going that route, and I hope DG will as well. As you say, we won't know until the hit adolescence when peer opinion matters so much. But I'm sure Ariana will be fine, with a good independent role model.
Jamie: Either way, not a big loss. You won't catch me drinking the Schlitz, but that's just my taste. Doesn't mean anyone's bad for liking it, or finding it drinkable within their price range. If they're going to have disdain for me because I do or don't eat or drink or whatever anything? Meh.
Andy: Well I hope the one person you're trying to impress is impressed. One never knows. For some, it's a six-pack tummy, for others, an ability to quote Milton, for others, who knows? Whatever you've got on offer, I hope the one you desire is looking for that.
Mr. Cat: Yeah, it's taken me years to get to the point where I realize the truth that not being true to oneself to win someone's approval means that if you win that approval, you've won by cheating, and, if they wouldn't like you without the deception, then the approval isn't really that much of a prize, now is it.
Now where are those essential items for me to put on so that I can go out in my stylish Chevy Impala* (that always impresses the neighbors) and show that I really am A-list material.
*Car make changed to not embarrass the NuclearGrammyMobile, who, while inanimate, would suffer deep shame at being linked to such as I. She has higher standards, you know?
I wouldn't be doing it if it didn't :-)
Although the Milton thing seems to work as well.
Andy: Well, good on ya, babe. I've never figured out why quoting the classics works, but it does. Even for me. A guy can be a complete and utter crumb (or, as my late, great nuclearGrampa used to say of a WWII buddy of his: "He would fall on a grenade for you -- he had no fear -- but as a moral human being, he was a complete and utter cipher."), but start quoting Milton, Shakespeare, Johnson, Yeats, Keats, Byron, or Shelley and I'm lost (Wordsworth leaves me cold, however).
Not just a devsatateingly gorgeous face you know ...
Andy, sweetie, I wouldn't recognize your face if you mugged me. But feel free to send a pic.
Yes, I realise that. Unfortunately I think I have probably lost your e-mail address. Send one to me (andrewtucker01@gmail.com) and I will happily oblige.
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