Andy posted a comment about a recent study that claims that the part of mens' brains that light up when they see a picture of a bikini-clad woman is the same part of the brain that lights up when men see a picture of a power tool. Not the part of their brain that otherwise lights up when they see a human being. Fortunately, Salon's Broadsheet also wrote about this, and Tracy Clark-Flory pretty much said everything I could say, and much better and probably without typos.
But the comment and the study got me thinking about women's sexuality. So did another article in Broadsheet about the link between female lack of desire and sexism rather than the (manufactured) need for a desire-enhancing medication for women. To steal a phrase from the eminent Twisty Faster (and she uses the phrase with much more elan than I do and she also has a great post on women's sexuality and how it is not portrayed at all accurately or understood by most of the known universe), fortunately for you all, I am the world's formost expert on at least one woman's sexuality (mine), and while I won't go into a lot of detail, there will be some sex talk in this post. So brace yourself (or, "Sheila, are you awake?", to steal another sexist trope/stereotype/whatever) Brian, we're off and running. I don't mean this post to be prurient or arousing to anyone, but if that should happen, well, we all feel desire sometime, so I'm not going to worry about that.
In the last years of my now over marriage, my desire for my ex-husband disappeared. Mainly because he was sucking me dry of money, energy, and sanity. My desire reappeared (but not for my ex-husband) once I redirected my focus to men who might actually bring what desire I felt to fruition. And yes, I am responsible for my own orgasm, but no, being a heterosexual woman does not mean I want to engage in non-orgasmic sex (for me) while Brian or Nigel or whoever has his three quick squirts and it's over and then says "Did you come?"
When I have sex with a man, we're on two different timetables, and if he can't figure out that he'd better accommodate my timetable (let's be honest, he's gonna come, okay? It's my orgasm that's the variable) and do it without making me negotiate. The minute I have to negotiate to have a sexual partner please me, I'm so out of bed. Or off the table or whatever.
To which, I'll add: the vaginal orgasm may not be entirely mythical (although you couldn't prove that by me -- I've never had an orgasm that didn't involve direct clitoral stimulation), but the hands and the tongue are much more important tools for a man trying to please a woman (Those of you who don't want to please a woman and just want your own orgasm? Go away now. Thank you.) All the Viagra ads about pleasing your partner really miss the point. You can still please your partner without an erection if you don't make the erection and the penis this issue. Just get to work.
It makes me wish I were gay in that it would be so much easier to be attracted to someone who's sexual timetable and road map is more closely aligned to mine. The way women's sexuality is portrayed in the media and by religion (you know, fulfilment pleasing your man, nothing else) has nothing to do, and I do mean nothing to do, with how my sexuality works. YMMV, and I'm sure many women will tell me otherwise, but yeah, the whole thing gives me a headache.
And yes, I had two nice dates this month, and may have more, but really, I'm in no hurry to do more than that. I'm tired, too, of course.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
7 comments:
I once went on a date... the man just could not look at me beyond my boobs. I didn't like it. It just felt way too much for the first date and i just felt sick. I could not wait to get away from him. I wish you get to be treated like a real lady on both of your dates.
love, Milo
Milo: Oh, had had two nice dates with two pleasant men earlier (second and third dates, to be precise), but with no idea of future contact or whatever. And that's fine. Given my thoughts right now, I'm really not in the mood to make any effort whatsoever -- including the "required" leg-shaving -- so I'm content to wait and see without much wondering. But it is pleasant to feel desired, while I still wonder "exactly how much?" with more than my share of cynicism. I think some of that is a function of age and exhaustion.
Interesting comment re religion. Have just finished reading Theology of the Body (Pope John Paul II). It makes exactly the same argument for men (ie fulfillment through pleasing your partner and through that God) as it does for woman. A slightly simplistic and short summary of a very long thesis, but worth noting.
Andy: I respect the Catholic Church's teaching institutions and social work, but (and this may tell more about my own limitations than anything else) I tend to dismiss (or not even pay attention to) discussions of human sexuality,particularly female sexuality, or sexual relations between men and women, men and men, or women and women coming from men who believe they can't fully serve the god in which they believe without abstaining from sex and who also believe that women can't serve god as fully as men do simply because those women are women. My prejudice, I freely admit. So I'm probably never going to read Theology of the Body. Should I?
Yes, I had picked up on that in previous posts!
I suspect that Theology of the Body is unlikely to change your mind on much, if only because (and I am as guilty on this as anyone) we tend to bring our own prejudices to what we read and that shapes how we interpret what we're reading.
But I found it interesting and somewhat surprising in places. And I thought I would mention it as it contradicts what you'd posted!
Andy: I guess I find it hard to accept that the Catholic Church of Humanae Vitae* has bought into orgasmic sex not necessarily being penetrative (at least for women). They were pretty strong about sex not being worth having unless it led to babies, babies, babies, and more babies. And don't get me wrong, I coo at babies, I just don't want 15 of them. The two I have are plenty.
*Remember the whole sex-has-to-be- procreative schtick
"The way women's sexuality is portrayed in the media and by religion (you know, fulfilment pleasing your man, nothing else) has nothing to do, and I do mean nothing to do, with how my sexuality works." My favorite sentence, nice post, thanks!!
Post a Comment