Loving Someone

I have a (truly platonic) friend who I truly love who I hurt yesterday evening. And I wonder, why are some people able to be happy when life is craptastic and why are other people unable to be happy when life is somewhat off-kilter (although possibly leaning toward craptastic, craptastitude is still avoidable) and some other people are unable to be happy when the napkins are the wrong color?

My friend (hereinafter MF) is dealing with work and family crap. Nothing life-threatening, but not pleasant either. However, MF owns a nice home in a very nice urban suburb, has a job with good benefits, and has many interests. MF has often commented on how amazingly I have dealt with near-foreclosure, the Insane Ex, the tens of thousands (about $50,000, give or take) spent on getting the divorce, other financial difficulties, and health problems this spring. "How can you say you're happy?" I don't know, I just am.

I wasn't always optimistic. I used to be very negative and depressive, but that was when life was easier. How does that work?

So tonight, I listened to many, many details (but no coherent narrative) of what was wrong at work for MF and I got impatient, and started encouraging streamlining, which totally derailed the narrative, lost the plot, and hurt MF's feelings when MF was feeling more than a tad depressed.

Is there a medication that will make detail-oriented people stick to the big picture? Because that's what I think happens to many people who get lost in depression (it has happened to me, so I'm not claiming any superiority): the details overwhelm them. How to help?

This is especially of concern since MF has been seeing a therapist, but now thinks it's useless and why bother? Why? There are people who love MF, including me and several others.*

How did I hurt my friend? By listening critically rather than sympathetically. Now, some things in the situation need critique and correction, but right now isn't the time. How MF felt was more important than my need to point out how to handle things differently/better (that's what this blog is for, right?).

So I don't know what to do, not that I can change anyone's world view, or whether I even should. But I want to do so, especially when I see someone I love in pain and to me (but it's a YMMV situation) some of the fixes are pretty obvious. I have to remind myself that what would work for me doesn't work for everyone else on this planet, or in every other workplace, or every other family.

*You may wonder why I don't write "many others", but really how many is many? I can think of seven people who undubitably love MF and five others whose affection is strong and deep and while they might not define their feelings as "love" would at a minimum cop to strong affection, well wishes, and loyalty, and whose love and/or affection/good wishes/loyalty is worth receiving. Most people who have many, many acquaintances or "close friends" can't say that they have more than a handful of people who love them. MF has more than a handful.

And yet as one of those who loves MF, I feel like I've fallen short of the mark. Fortunately, I'll see MF tomorrow and hope to rectify matters a bit (and phone conversations are tough when someone is depressed: in person, one can gauge reactions more easily).