What's with all these goal-oriented, high-achieving guys* who are absolutely spastic** at adultery? Really, if you can get elected governor of a state, one would assume you could arrange to meet someone privately and actually keep it private.
Fortunately, for all you potential and actual adulterers out there, I'm here to help. But you need to take my advice. I'll give it to you in list form:
1--As always, STFU already. Do not leave an email trail. Use a disposable cell phone.
2--Don't pretend you got swept away. Flying to fucking Argentina (or taking the train to DC and reservations at the Mayflower) takes forethought. So think. You'll still (probably) get laid, and you'll be less likely to crash and born. Don't lie to yourself. If you're looking to fall in love illicitly or just have extra-marital nookie, admit it to yourself, and then protect yourself. Pack the condoms, have enough cash so you don't leave an incriminating credit card trail (Elliott Spitzer, I'm looking at you), and otherwise behave discreetly. Don't break the very rules you explained as a prosecutor (Elliott, again) or challenge the press to follow you (Gary Hart, does anyone recall him) or, heaven forfend fool around on a boat named, tackily and delightfully enough, Monkey business (Gary? You there?).
3--Admit to yourself, you're already committing adultery. Have an alibi and be ready to lie like a rug. If you find lying indefensible, then recommit yourself to the stultifying misery of your politically expedient but otherwise miserable marriage that you can't get out of without admitting that you are an unfaithful spouse and thereful incapable of running a grocery store, much less a state or country, like other horrible leaders who were unfaithful, like FDR, Louis XIV, Catherine the Great (and she not only took lovers, she overthrew her loser of a spouse to become Empress), Thomas Jefferson (well, I don't know if he did commit adultery, but he most likely did have sex with a slave of his who really didn't have the ability to give consent, so let's just say that's bad, mmmkay?), and lots of other guys (and presumably women, who were probably shitloads better at covering their tracks).
4--If you're going to run off to another state, country, or continent to be swept away by desire, however ironically, really do let your chief of staff have a decent, believable cover story. Don't expect your spouse to fall on his or her sword to cover you, especially if you're missing Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Trust me on this one. Leave your spouse and staff hanging, and, if there is any justice in this world or karma has any meaning at all, they'll do likewise for you.
Oh, why do I bother? The narcissism involved in seeking power of that sort probably precludes the ability to be honest with oneself. Guys like this (and, as we approach equality, I look forward to the shamed male spouse of an executive doing the silent cringe while his faithless wife does the "I've sinned" speech) really can't be stopped.
*Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Elliott Spitzer, Dick Morris, Bill Clinton, and several other men with whom I honestly can't believe any woman ever enthusiastically jumped into bed.
**Well, I don't know how spastic they were at the actual act of adultery (although Monica Lewinsky actually gave Big Bill credit for an orgasm or two -- note this, Viagra-guys -- without penile penetration), but if their in-bed skillz in any way resembled their logistical and duck-and-cover skillz, there are a lot of unsatisfied adulteresses out there.
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7 comments:
For anyone looking to commit adultery AND follow your advice, then they have to have forethought. Although they probably do, admitting it and PLANNING to cover their tracks wrecks the story that they were "carried away in the moment", as they will later tell their wives.
I also think that a lot of people don't cover their tracks because they would like to be discovered. Naturally, they wont admit this even to themselves.
Yeah...I don't think people like to plan a lot of this stuff because they don't like to admit that they fall short of whatever expectations that society has of them...especially those high achiever types who like to SET the standard and/or tell other people how to run THEIR lives.
Hear! Hear!! Well said! I'm so tired of these boys pretending to be men. D.C. seems to be a magnet for them.
It's not the affair per se, which is a private marital foible (though perhaps indicative of how someone relates to those close to him and of how he solves problems); it's the hypocrisy of these sleazebags trying to make political hay over someone ELSE's private marital foibles. It's the spectacle of the fall from the great heights at which these guys (and their angry white man supporters) place themselves.
However inexplicable I found the Clintons' marriage--and I think no one really knows what goes on in the private recesses of someone else's relationship--Bill Clinton never set himself up as a moral beacon or paragon of virtue: he was a government functionary who ran on and was elected for governing competence. The witch hunt was political, an attempt to gain advantage by exploiting foibles which need be none of the public's business.
The Repubs' inability to acknowledge it as such has made any brutal scrutiny of their personal lives fair game.
My three rule
1) Be good
2) If you can't be good be careful
3) If you can't be careful - Don't get caught
Benedict
Laurita: I'm under no illusions that anyone actually takes any advice, much less mine regarding adultery, but still, many would benefit (alhtough the Daily Show would lose, so that's a bad thing). I'm still flummoxed by people who think of themselves as sinless or above reproach, and how much reproach that attitude always seems to line up for them.
Ms.Peg: Yup, the whole Napoleonic-Complex-Of-The-Ego thing: they're running around screaming at the top of their lungs "I am important! I'm not igsignificant! The normal rules don't apply to me!!!!!" With the explanations visible in the air surrounding their words.
Wunelle: Yeah, Sanford was quite moralistic about Clinton, bless his heart and none-too-bright brain.
Your Eminence: Well, yes. And if you can't be good, be VERY, VERY careful about not getting caught, or at least don't preach sermons against those who have gotten caught.
Technically, the women aren't adulteresses unless they are cheating on their own spouses. A single woman who bags a cheating spouse has low expectations and equally low standards. After all, she's already picking a guy who isn't such a prize.
Deb: Yup, and Gov. Sanford's object of desire fell into that category, I believe (at least at some part during their relationship, I'm not sure if her divorce is final now, but it wasn't at the start, at least from my not-very-close-reading of the situation) as would some proportion of the partners of these princes among men.
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